Seven Shades of Shit: A Review of Fifty Shades

I would like to start off by saying that Fifty Shades of Grey is easily the worst book I have ever read, and I read the entire Twilight series. It originating as fan fiction has nothing to do with how crappy it is. I've read much better fan fiction. Secondly, "seven shades of shit" is a real quote from the book (it's what Christian might beat out of Ana), so that might give you an idea of the author's superior writing skills. In order to limit the length of this rant, I am going to share the seven worst parts about this book:

1.) The author does not know what subconscious means. Ana is constantly personifying her "subconscious" and her "inner goddess." Her subconscious is a half-moon spectacle wearing librarian who scowls at Ana and shames her for being a slut. Her inner goddess is always doing things like jumping for joy over Ana's sex life with Christian. I would like to strangle them both. But, apart from how annoying they are, someone should tell James or her editor that subconscious means "mental processes of which the individual is not aware." You cannot know what your subconscious is thinking, much less what she is wearing. I believe she means "inner conscience," but somehow her editors never figured that out.

2.) Ana is the least believable character *ever*. This girl is a graduating English major who wants a job in publishing and she doesn't own a laptop and refers to them as some sort of inconceivable space machines. Also, she is a virgin because she has *never* met any guy ever that she was physically attracted to until Christian.

3.) The author uses the same words repeatedly to describe Ana's reaction to Christian. She "gasps" when he looks at her in "that way." Her breath hitches, she inwardly sighs, or she thinks of her hunger that is "not for food." She gasps over thirty times just in the first half. And this classic-book-loving English major alternates between saying "oh my" and "holy shit" when Christian overwhelms her, which is all the time.

4.) Christian Grey is an abusive psychopath, and it has nothing to do with his kinks. He is a controlling sociopath all.the.time. When Ana does not answer her emails at work, he has a blackberry delivered to her work so she can answer him at any moment. He tracks her phone so he can know where she is all the time, and when she pisses him off while in Georgia, he flies across the country to stalk her while she's at dinner with her mom. He is seriously the worst. If you thought Edward dismantling the engine in Bella's car so she couldn't leave her house was charming, Christian is the boy for you! I will admit that I find Mr. Rochester and Heathcliff attractive even though I know they are shit, but Christian Grey can kiss my ass.

5.) The sex scenes stop being sexy a quarter of the way in as they all are either described in exactly the same way--desire pools in her belly, she can feel it "down there"--or they get creepy abusive, i.e. I'm going to rape you and if you get aroused, I'll beat you. Sexy!

6.) The book feigns depth by continually likening Ana to Tess D'Urbervilles and mentioning all of the classical music Christian listens to. Just stop.

7.) Finally, the most repulsive part of the whole novel is that James dedicates the book to her husband, referring to him as the master of her universe, just begging readers to think of her husband as the inspiration for Christian Grey.