Start a Blog, They Said

2016 has brought a lot of ugliness to the forefront of America's consciousness. Half of the country watched in horror as the other half elected a man who seems to represent the worst of this country: nativism, racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, ableism, etc. etc. etc.; name a prejudice and we bleeding hearts can point to the ways in which Trump has bolstered it. Among those of us who watched in horror and disbelief were those who were watching the culture they were raised in pledge allegiance to this man and the hate he represents. I'm speaking specifically as someone raised in the White Conservative Christian culture. So, for me, it felt personal. The same people who ingrained WWJD in my adolescent brain lined up to endorse a man who represents so much that Jesus opposed: assault and disrespect of women, robbing of the poor, unapologetic dishonesty, etc, etc, etc. I was perplexed, heartbroken, betrayed, and angry for much of 2016, and all of that has remained with me since his election. All of this heartbreak and anger manifested in several ways in my life. I remain depressed and every day feels like waking up in a hell dimension. I now invest a lot of my time into following international politics that I would not have cared about one year ago (CONGRATS to the French for rejecting their own racist psychopath). And I now suffer from a tendency to get on my soapbox on Facebook. It is that last development that has led to this blog.

While my Facebook rants and ramblings have been welcomed by some on my feed, they have resulted in a fair amount of blocking and nastiness from some in my family. And that's fine, really. Throughout it all, I've had several people tell me I should start a blog. Some of them suggested this as an underhanded way to get me to STFU on Facebook. If I start a blog, offended parties can just choose to not click into the posts rather than having to be reminded that I find their behavior and their candidate deplorable on a regular basis. This blog isn't for them. Some suggested it in a genuine way, implying that they appreciate my voice and maybe my stark, and I guess this blog is a little bit for them. However, most of all I guess this blog is for me. If my Facebook rants are any indication, I have a lot of processing to do, so why not channel it into a blog?

Once I decided to give in to the suggestions that I start a blog, the first difficulty was what it should focus on. There are enough people on the internet sharing their moral outrage so I did not want it to be necessarily a political blog. Plus, I fear having to deal with the Pepes and trolls in the comments section if my blog found its way into the deplorable circles of internet hell. For me, the biggest struggle with all of this has been that my journey from Republican teenager to Bleeding-Heart adult (maybe I'll share more on that later) has largely been caused by development in my empathy. I know in my bones that Trump is despicable and vile because I now empathize with communities that I never thought about when I was more conservative. In part, this is due to my Liberal Arts education and in part it is due to listening to new voices (in the classroom, on Twitter, through literature, etc.). My bleeding-heart sensibilities have also been strengthened by my journey towards a more progressive Christianity, following the lead of my spiritual gurus, Anne Lamott, Diana Butler Bass, Rachel Held Evans, and Nadia Bolz-Weber, among others. And therein lies the rub. If I claim that empathy is what led me to become more liberal, then how can I hate Trump and his voters with a sometimes-all-consuming passion? (And I do). How do I resist the assholes without lapsing into asshole-dom myself?

So, I titled this blog "Confessions of a Recovering Asshole" because I recognize the tendency in myself to be an asshole. When I see loads of rich white men celebrating stripping healthcare away from millions, I think Ugh! Have some empathy you shitheads!, and then I wish pre-existing conditions on those men. When I see a Trump/Pence bumper sticker, hatred boils in my stomach and I think What trash! See the problem with that? Now I'm not saying that everyone should feel guilty for wishing suffering on the men who are bankrupting our nation to line their pockets; I am just saying I do, because it is out of step with my own journey. So, I'm here to call out my own asshole moments, work on keeping my empathy even while I watch those in power dismantle good programs and endanger people I care about, and maybe just maybe escape the perpetual outrage culture I find myself enmeshed in. Because I do not want to contribute to the ugliness that is boiling over in this country. I want to try to speak from love and I desperately want to come out of all of this without a hatred of humanity, and neither of those are easy things right now. So, join me, or don't. I may post frequently, or I may not. My blog may be helpful or entertaining to any readers that stumble across it, but I'm perfectly fine if the only person it helps is me.